Ye Olde Linoleum Shoppe

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

TEN FACTS ABOUT THE NEOLITHIC

Hello Chumsters! Wonderful to see you again. Health and Safety regulations require me to add a disclaimer to this, our latest installment of continuous professional development therefore . . .


Disclaimer: In regard of lex luthor and without undue prejudice to the dictum of pro forma viz. novus ordo seclorum - the party of the first par-tay (hereafter referred to as the Author) accepts wholly, and without condition, that the party of the second party, ie. prehistoric structures assembled using atypically large stones (hereafter referred to as megaliths) bear no affiliation whatsoever with the popular beat combo Megadeth. Furthermore, the Neolithic peoples of Ireland will not to be confused with the neoprene wearing peoples of Ireland (eg. Michael Flatley.)
Small print: Essentially, as with all health and safety, this means if you suffer acute renal failure you can go ring your own ambulance 'cos the party of the first party don't give a stuff.


1. The word 'Neolithic' is of Inuit origin. It is composed of three separate portions. The first is 'neo' meaning - an abundance, the second is 'lit' meaning - ancient, and the last is 'hic' - meaning - leatherworkers. When all three parts are assembled together the word Neolithic comes to mean 'A Load of Old Cobblers.'
2. The Neolithic began with the introduction of farming and ended with the appearance of copper tools. Somewhere in the middle a bearded lady whizzed by on a unicycle and flipped the finger at some Japanese tourists, (although this event may be the result of some poorly applied ethnographic data.)


The first farmer invading Ireland with crops, livestock and a megalith.
3. The Neolithic farming revolution was spread westwards across Europe by bloodthirsty, livestock loving hillbillies. The last landmass to taste the lash of these welly-wearing bucolic oppressors was the verdant paradise of Ireland. This final leg of the Neolithic slash and burn tour began on the morning of June 6th 3444 BP (± 30 years) on Curracloe Beach. The Neolithic farmers ploughed ashore at 600 hours beaching their skin boats and then dispatching their cattle inland to eat holes in the barbwire and concrete fortifications built by the welcoming Mesolithic peoples. By 800 hours crops had been grown to neutralise the antimegalith mines laid by the same hunter gatherer groups. By 1200 hours the megaliths trundled off the boats and the bridgehead was established. Two days later the farmers decamped in horror when they realised they had landed in Wexford.


4. It is not a widely known fact that Lithuanian archaeologist Marija Gimbutas was hugely influenced by the 1984 motion picture  'Ghostbusters.' Evidence of her obsequious love of the film is apparent in her 1991 publication 'The Civilization of the Goddess,' where she asserts pottery associated with female burials in linearbandkeramik cemeteries clearly indicated a society defined by (and I quote): 'Human sacrifice, feminist hierarchies, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria!' (Compare these words with Bill Murray's lines in this scene.)
Gimbutas often ended her anthropology lectures with the words - 'Bustin' makes me feel real good.'


5. You should never push your granny off the bus.


6. It is now widely agreed among archaeologists (with a specific interest in Neolithic root vegetable subsistence strategies) that celeriac is arguably the scariest looking vegetable on the planet.



7. And now in the spirit of filling empty space and singing our way into a new era of prosperity where archaeologists charter helicopters to the cornershop and wipe their backsides with Armani blazers, I present a Brythonic Celtic love song sung by farming communities throughout Europe since the dawn of the planet of the apes . . . PRESS HERE PLEASE

8. Profuse deforestation was was part and parcel of the Neolithic lifestyle. Joni Mitchell once made a wry comment about this practise in her tune 'Big Yellow Taxi.'
'They took all the trees
And put them in a tree museum
Then they charged the people
A dollar and a half just to see 'em' 
The good news is that the trees later escaped . . . They used (ahem) an escape root.

9. I'm not sure if Michael Flatley ever wore neoprene - still, I don't trust him, given half a chance I bet that hoor would have been first up the Curracloe beach with his belching great megalith, clog-dancing on the capstone with his nipple tassles whizzing around like a chainsaw, grinding hunter gatherers into bolognese sauce. He should be ashamed of himself, he's a total tart. I'm sorry I ever mentioned him.
And he used to have real class.
10. Good heavens, ten already! Lights out children. And keep your hands over the covers please.


The Author bids you good-night (i pluribus unum.)





2 comments:

  1. You bastard McHale. You made the f**kin W****s appear. I will only forgive you if you send me that brilliant print of the cows rowing to Ireland.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think they're just called The W*****s, no epithet. Try printing they image out yourself -you could do it on high quality paper using archival inks - I believe the term is giclee (pronounced gick-lay.)

    ReplyDelete

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